Tired of Being “Strong”

If you had been at church with me on Sunday, you would have thought my world had ended.  I was a mess.  I guess I’ve been on the “down” a little since Wednesday evening after going to my 6 week check.  Sitting in a lobby full of big-bellied moms-to-be made my heart ache to be in their shoes…although they each had that “wish I were done” look in their walk and eyes, what I wouldn’t give to be at that point and have Brinnlie still inside me.  My sister-in-law and a couple cousins are due in the next month or so---it makes me sad to see them counting down the days and seeing them with their bellies, but I excited for them at the same time.  There’s a sister in the ward that’s due at the end of June and seeing her makes me sad too.  I should be right there with them.  To think they have a healthy, “big” baby that they will be able to hold and take home with them a day or so after delivery, is hard to take.  Honestly, I fight the guilt daily.  IT’s tough not to feel that I am at fault for Brinnlie’s struggles.  Was there anything I could have done differently?  Why can’t my body sustain a viable home for these little ones?  Were there signs/symptoms that I missed early on that could have bought us more time?  I know logically that I can’t blame myself, but emotionally, it’s what I struggle with. 

Friday night Trevor made the trip to Salt Lake by himself.  Initially, we were going to take everyone and go, but in the midst of getting them all ready, Gunnar had a melt down and was throwing a fit about how we always go and he never gets to play, etc.  So, I sat down and told Trevor to just go…I was done fighting for the night. 

Saturday morning started with a phone call with an update of Brinnlie.  The Nurse Practitioner said all was good still, lowering volume of oxygen, no more high-flow, but mentioned she wasn’t going to move forward any with her feeds.  The reason being, that Brinnlie was schedule for surgery on the 14th and would be NPO’ed (receiving IV fluids/nutrition) during recovery.  WHAT?  Surgery?  This is the first I was hearing anything.  Of course, my emotions rushed in, so I just acted like I knew what was going on, I figured Trevor knew because he had been there the night before I just hadn't talked to him since he got home late and up early.  The first chance I got, I asked Trevor about it---he had no idea either.  So, mustering up my emotions, I called and spoke to her again.  They had Brinnlie scheduled to do her “take down”(reconnect her intestines). I said, Isn’t she so little still?  The doctors had told us they like them to be at least 4 pounds to even consider it.  Her reply was, yes she’s still very little and that she couldn't see them doing it then, and that it would still be awhile until they do---Brinnlie has not been gaining weight like they would like her to.  She has only gained 200 grams in 6 1/2 weeks.  So, they are trying to go up on the calories again, more slowly than the times before in hopes her body will tolerate it better.  Frustration was at it’s peak with me then.  We’ve gone so far without any major stuff after her surgery, why this weight issue, and what else could be going on?

Sunday my emotions were so right on the surface and being at church made it worse.  There’s just something about church---quiet, time to think, feeling the Spirit, etc.  So, in Sunday School the lesson was about Moses and as I was sitting there, my mind wandering back to the lesson, the teacher was talking about how we all had our difficulties and that we must have faith and be strong, submitting to the Lord, etc.  I lost it.  I had to remove myself from class and I went to hide in the bathroom.  It took a few moments to regain myself and I dared to head back out, but, I met a dear sister at the door.  She was having one of those moments as well, and she just wrapped her arms around me and allowed me to release what has been building over the past few weeks.  It was good.  After regaining composure (again) I headed to RS and sat in the back corner so I could avoid contact with anyone…the counselor in the bishopric came and got me.  We sat in the Bishops office and again, the emotions came, but I had a good talk with him and left feeling better.  I hurried back to RS and got settled but it was for a moment.  I had to give the scripture and prayer---I made it through the scripture and most of the prayer.  Once they start, the emotions need their time to get out before stopping.  I was mostly embarrassed, but there’s something about church that does me in.  Oh, well, I’m sure it won’t be the last time.

That night, Logan and a cousin Kaylee offered to stay with the kids and we headed to SLC.  On the way, we were talking about things and Trevor asked about my day and what he could do to help.  I told him simply “I’m tired of being strong.”  I try so hard to keep busy so as to not have time to think and dwell on things and put on a ‘brave’ face in front of others, that when I do have down time, it all comes rushing in on me.  Trevor said that in the meeting that morning someone asked how Brinnlie and I were doing, then how he was doing;  then a comment was made that ‘he’s the man, he just has to suck it up.’  And, he has.  Trevor has been so strong through all of this and such a comfort to me, so understanding of me and my feelings, and so willing to try to bear my burdens.  I am extremely thankful for him and thankful that he loves me so much, and puts up with my cry baby moments.  Although things are on the up, and we’re moving ahead, we still have such a long way to go.  I have so many different feelings at the same time, I don’t know what to think sometimes. 

I am SO grateful for having Brinnlie here and for all of the support and love from those around me.  I have a constant prayer in my heart for all that have helped in one way or another.  Recently, Chet and Cameron participated in the Todd Morrison Alumni Tournament at good ‘old Box Elder High.  I didn’t know this, but the tournament raises funds for a family in need.  This year it benefitted a family whose little girl had a brain tumor and has had surgery and now is recovering.  A couple weeks after Brinnlie was transported to Primary’s, Trevor and I were there and we ran into a classmate of Trevor’s who was there visiting this little girl and family; he told us their story.  The parents are fellow Bees and their names were familiar to us.  Then, in the week before Easter the father of this family called Trevor and asked about us. He was very concerned about us, and had been thinking about us ever since he heard about us from this other classmate.  We received a letter a few days ago from this father and inside was a little of what they received from the Tournament.  What a great example of love and compassion from this family.  Their generosity and thought for us not only in our time of need, but to reach out when they are experiencing rough times too, it’s amazing.  We are forever grateful and inspired to pay it forward as they did for us.  We pray they will be continually blessed and wish them the best in all to come.

 

As for Brinnlie, we made the trip today (Tuesday) to visit.  They moved her to a different room because of an admit early this morning, so the room she’s in now is a lot noisier.  She is so sensitive to things, it took a little while to get her settled.  Since she was taken off high-flow oxygen she has been receiving just a small amount of oxygen through a cannula in the nose.  Before this move, she was doing well with this.  Today she has had some episodes of apnea and has had to be stimulated to breathe again.  So, they increased the volume of oxygen and when we left were thinking she needed to go back on CPAP to help her with her pressure in the lungs.  She has gained some and is at 700 grams, almost 1 lb. 9 oz.  They rescheduled her take down to May 4th in hopes she gets a little bigger by this time.  She was taken back to 22 calorie breast milk ‘cause she didn’t tolerate 24, and they want to begin mixing formula with the milk to see if this will help her gain as well as get her used to it so as the milk runs out, she won’t have issues with it.  They are going to watch her and see how she does in this new room, hopefully they can move her to a quieter spot, thinking the noise is ‘upsetting’ her and causing her episodes.  We’ll see how it goes.  I haven’t got any pictures lately ‘cause it’s been dark or Brinnlie’s been on no stimulation when we’ve been there.  As soon as I do though, I’ll get ‘em up.

Sorry to sound so gloom this time, but writing and sharing helps in a way.  Thanks for caring.