Still at the top

Monday 3-8-10

Brinnlie’s settings are about the same today.  The Nitric Oxide is gone, pain meds will be gone tomorrow, as will the anti-biotic, and they started feedings yesterday.  Today they increased and by midnight tonight she will be up to 1.1 ml of milk per 3 hours.  They will watch for her to tolerate and maybe increase in a couple days.  She also had a cardiogram today; they were looking for PDA and ‘swelling of the ventricles’(sorry, the technical terms don’t stay with me very long)---all is looking good here.  She also had another head ultrasound and no bleeding still!  So now, they will wait a couple weeks to do another.  She looks better each time we go to see her, is more active and still hates for anyone to bother her. 

We could just sit by her and stare for hours.  It’s still rough to leave and I get sad sometimes when I look at her, so small and having to struggle so much.  I can’t help but feel bad and think if there was anything that I could’ve done differently---I know logically there wasn’t and that I can’t blame myself, but I do get these feelings at times and I just have to tell myself that it’s out of my control and that things will get better.  I’m worn out from going back and forth and pumping.  I’m not where I should be with my milk supply and this makes me sad too, I can’t even give her this.  I’m pushing through though, and will not give up!  I’m ok.  Darn hormones!

We went to church on Sunday.  It was good to go and partake of the sacrament and get the kids back there—after missing two weeks it was hard to get them to sit still and be quiet.  It was nice to hear the testimonies of others and feel of the Spirit.  I wanted to get up and share my thoughts, but I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t get any words out ‘cause my emotions are crazy still!  So I will share them now.  My mind has been on the topic of faith these past couple weeks.  Because of what we have been experiencing, my faith has been tried, but has grown too.  A couple days after Brinnlie’s surgery and being able to come home with some optimism, I went online to visit a blog that my sister’s aunt-in-law shared that she thought may help us by seeing this family’s story and progress (thanks aunt Karen for this and for caring for us!).  Through this blog there were links to others with stories like ours, so my curiosity grew and I found myself on a family blog that at the time had a son in the NICU at Primary’s just down the hall from our little one.  They are doing well, and and they got to bring their little one home today!  On this this particular day, she (the mom) had mentioned she lets herself break down every now and again and this being one of those days, found herself struggling with her dealings.  There was a knock at her door, the Jehovah’s Witnesses were there to share their message.  She allowed them to share thinking that if it were 2 LDS missionaries knocking on someone else’s door, she would hope they were allowed to share theirs.  The message they shared was “about making time in our day to read the bible and asked why most of us don't get to reading the bible in our daily lives”. Her response was 'Life just gets in the way. We get busy with day to day tasks.'  After they left she went to the scriptures and randomly opened to Doctrine and Covenants chapter 35:8-12:

"8 For I am God, and mine arm is not shortened; and I will show miracles, signs, and wonders unto all those who believe on my name.
9 And whoso shall ask it in my name in faith, they shall cast out devils; they shall heal the sick; they shall cause the blind to receive their sight, and the deaf to hear, and the dumb to speak, and the lame to walk.
10 And the time speedily cometh that great things are to be shown forth unto the children of men;
11 But without faith shall not anything be shown forth except desolations upon Babylon, the same which has made all nations drink of the wine of wrath of her fornication.
12 And there are none that doeth good except those who are ready to receive the fulness of my gospel which I have sent forth unto this generation."

How this calmed my soul!  I am thankful that I came across this family’s story and for her testimony that day!  This is what I was in need of and I believe that I didn’t just happen to come across her words that day.  I am truly blessed and I know that having faith and believing in Him, miracles can happen!  We have seen this truth in the past couple weeks.  I know that more faith trying times  lie ahead, but I truly believe that the lord knows me personally and will not test me with anything I can’t handle with Him by my side.  He loves me and through faith and believing in Him, I will be continually blessed---HAVE FAITH!  (Thank you Brown Family and congrats on having little Lincoln home!!)

 

OTHER HAPPENINGS:

Tuesday 3-9-10

Gunnar had Grandparents Day at school today and he LOVED having Great-Grandma Jean there to eat and tour his school!

He and his classmates sang some songs then we got to eat lunch with him.  (when asked who he wanted to come, he said me and great-grandma---sorry grandmas/pas, and other greats---you know how he is!)  At first he was a little timid, but once he got comfortable and saw all the others kids with their people, he was into it.  He had to make sure we knew the ‘rules’ of the cafeteria, where we put each item on our tray, and what to do when we were done!  He then took Great-Grandma on a tour of the school and showed her everything in his classroom and gave her a drawing of the two of them.  He loves his Great-Grandma Jean!

 

Macie has been a little photographer the past few days.  She likes to get the camera and take pictures of anything and everything.  It’s fun to look through them and see what she’s come up with.  She’s getting pretty good at staging things and every now and again there are some good ones.  Today I looked under my bed to get things out, and I found the camera, left on mind you, and I asked who had been playing with it.  Of course, no response and I set it aside.  Later tonight I looked through the pics, and found who the culprit was---Macie.  She had it on video, so there were 4 or 5, 2-4 second long snip-its and then a 12 second one that you could just hear her pushing the button down trying to take pictures over and over again---this made me laugh, just imagining her trying to figure out why she couldn't get it to take a picture, then shoving it under the bed thinking she had broke it!  Such a little me!  Oh, our Mace, what a cute girl!  :)

 

 

Here are some other pics that I thought I’d share:

                         Fun times                         

 

And finally,

Gunnar loves his sister!

 

And a side note---Update for tonight, all is going well still, Brinnlie’s oxygen settings have gone down and they increased her feeds a little today!  We’re heading there tomorrow, so another update to come.

P.S.  Thanks so much to those who have been so willing to help with taking the kids so Trevor and I can go to SLC---

Sorry, Ashlee for having to deal with Broxton yesterday, we owe you!  BTW, He’s been fine, I don’t know what the matter was.  Thanks again!